"Look At The Size Of This Clown's Feet " or "Little Dogs, Liquor, Sauerkraut and Conjoined Wimmen."

  • "Sink Deep Yer Stakes Boys."

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Bend Her In Half… I Did

Okay, I haven’t written in a while cause some folks took offense to some things I said, and I was lettin’ that die down, cause if there’s one thing I hate it’s whining about feelings and having things pointed out to me that I already fuckin’ know and me wanting to point out how fuckin’ wrong you are, but not having the energy to pound it into your feeble skull of puss. To youse out there that think’s this is about you… It’s not. IT’S FUCKING ABOUT ME. LAST TIME I LOOKED THIS WAS MY STORY, NOT YOURS. GO FUCK YERSELF.


That said…
My second wife was a departure for me. Instead of being swayed by Tits, Ass and Attitude I stayed with what I knew... The Show. I figured my Lovely Divorce was the result of two pieces of shit not coming together to make a diamond. I mean what the fuck is an Alcoholic, Comedic Curmudgeon gonna have in common with a Pickled Cum Guzzlin’ Card Shark? Nothing, that’s what. After the Honeymoon is over, throw the fuckin’ sheets away, cause this Train has Sailed.

I figured I was Circus, I mean C-I-R-C-U-S, from when I was eight fuckin’ years old, nuther story, I’ll tell you, I promise, along with the Stinkin’ Pete Woodlin story I keep forgettin’ to tell you, I swear to fuckin’ Kerrist I’m like Uncle Remus with Adult ADD, But I was C-I-R-C-U-S. So I says to myself…
“Laffo you fucked up with that last bit of Rube Pussy you hooked up with, so I think you might want to stick with ‘Circus Cooze.’ ”

Now Ole Stinkin’ Pete Woodlin, or Stinky P, you remember, is one of my oldest friends. Notice I didn’t say best… it’s hard to be someone’s best friend, when they are as fucked up as Ole Stinky P. Stinky would sell the gold outta yer teeth for a can of Sterno, he’s that bad. Hell he’s gotten worse, cause now his piss smells like brass. LIKE MOTHERFUCKIN’ BRASS. I guess Ole’ Stinky P now has stinky pee. Anyhoo, he and I refer to the “Ladies” on the lot, and I use that term loosely, cause most of ‘em would rather gut yer sorry ass than fuck you, unless you have a bottle and a fresh paycheck. A Fifth and a Fifty and all of a sudden it’s BillyBob and Angelina type inappropriateness. These whores will suck exactly one Fifth of Likker and one Fifty Dollar Bill’s worth of sap outta you and leave you in the Sawdust by yer lonesome, with a cumstain on clown pants, that you didn’t put there. Now don’t that tarnish the Chrome of a Women’s standing in a clown’s eye. It do my brother, It do. So there’s different levels of Circus Cooze…
Here’s My Guide…

From Top To Bottom:

1. Conjoined Wimmen.
2. Contortionists
3. Tiger Trainers
4. Aerialists
5. Equestrians
6. Acrobats
7. Mess Tent Girls
8. Runaways
9. Rube Girls
10. Elephant Handlers
11. Hoochie Coochie Dancers
12. Clown Pussy

Conjoined Wimmen: The Siamese Pussy
This is the HOLY MOTHERFUCKIN’ GRAIL Hefe. I mean it’s two wimmen stuck the fuck together. Four tits, two asses, two pussies with matching assholes, well I guess that depends on how they’re built and all, but I’m sure it could happen, and there’s only 2 down sides…

A. They are Sideshow royalty. No one, and I mean no one fucks with a Siamese. That what you call the conjoined… The Siamese. You do not get between a Sideshow boss and his ¢.25 pieces. He has more scumbag, shithead, dope fiends working for him, that would eat a baby, raw just to get their fix, that will kill you, and not remember it, just for fucking with The Siamese. You do not Fuck the Siamese with yer pathetic little, wet, grey cock, because you’re not worth it.
Unless that is, you have money. You have money and that Siamese Pussy opens up like a fireworks stand in late June. That’s why there’s always a steady line of “Gentleman Callers” outside their wagon after curtain call. Big, fat, mustachioed fuckers all spats and watch chains. Real Captains of Industry types. You and I don’t have Siamese Pussy type Money. We never will.

B. It’s two GODDAMN WIMMEN STUCK TOGETHER. What kinda cruel fuck thought that up and thrust it on mankind? Another argument for a just and loving GOD there, read with sarcasm. Think about it… They are twins. That’s already fucked up, cause they talk telepathically, and you’re fucking a girl and her sister at the same time and they are always together. That’s a recipe for Grade A, FDA Approved, Class Action Lawsuit, IRS Super Audit, Fucking Disaster.

Oh yeah, they are TWO FUCKING WIMMEN.


Contortionists: Gumby for Your Cock
I love Contortionists. So much so that I can almost eat a whole one. I love the way they look, the way they move, the way they talk, all wispy because their ligaments are so stretched out, their ribcage can’t force out a deep breath, and that means, NO YELLING. No Yelling when you come home drunk, smelling like Ole Stinky P, cause yall guys were drunk as fuck and huggin each other and tellin’ each other how much you love the two of you,
“I fuggin’ luf yew, yew sack of lice.”
“No Man, I fuggin’ luf yew, yew fuggin’ abortion.”
Yadda, yadda, yadda for six hours…
Anyways they don’t yell. And they are nasty. Any Girl who knows the smell and taste of her own pussy and ass, without touching it with her hand is a FUCKIN’ DIRTY NASTY WHORE, AND I’LL TAKE THREE PLEASE THANK YOU. She will fuck the lead outta the paint on the windowsill of yer wagon and then piss on you! She will suck you a new foreskin, cornhole you with a Hummel Figurine and then Ejaculate all over yer neck! She is the Special Oympics of fucking, meaning yer dick in her pussy is fucked up, stupid, ugly and doing things it has no ability to do, like the long jump with a withered leg.

I loved the one I had, Wife Number Two…

One down side:
A. They break easy. Elephant versus Contortionist. Elephant always wins. This is another rant you’ll hear soon, be patient Grasshopper.

Tiger Trainers: Bloodshed in the Bedroom
Holy fuck these Bitches are Fucking infuckingsane. I cannot stress how batshit these girls are. Lemme put it in perspective, Tigers are mean. Tigers are ill tempered, dangerous killing machines, equipped with 20 butcher knives for hands, jaws that can bite a 4X4 landscape timber in half, a frame that can drag 3 times it’s body weight up in to a tree, and piss that burns like acid. She trains these things everyday for 6 hours at a time, YOU ARE A PUSSY. I have known Tiger Trainers that have worked with the same animal from birth for years, just to have the beast literally turn on them, rip open their guts and feast on their master’s innards while they watched ‘em die. No Shit. Don’t believe me? “Read The Final Confession of Mabel Stark: A Novel” by Robert Hough (He’s the guy that wrote Wicked) and see for yerself you fuck. Basically tiger training is letting the Tiger rape you in a controlled manner. Again No Shit. They will ejaculate on you at the end of the act. THIS GIRL ALLOWS 1200 POUND DEATH PROFESSIONALS TO RAPE HER TWICE A DAY, WITH THEIR GIANT BARBED PENISES. YER PATHETIC COCK WILL NOT IMPRESS HER.

Down Side:
Giant Barbed Penises, smelling of rotten Horse Meat and Cat Piss.

Aerialists: Mother of Mary it’s a Shotgun
Aerialists all come from Eastern Europe, Venezuela or Argentina and have 30 people in their families they live with. There are so many relatives in Aerialist’s troupes that they set up their own family camps. Their father and 12 brothers are only interested in the girls marrying another Aerialist so the family can number 60. You will not win a fight with an Aerialist… Male or Female, someone they’re related to will hit you in the head from behind. I promise. They are Gypsies. I don’t know how much experience you’ve had with Gypsies but it always ends up with someone gettin’ stabbed. It ain’t never the Gypsy gettin’ shanked. They eat Goat, dance in circles, cast spells and are Catholic.

The Down Sides:
A. They are Catholic. Danger Will Robinson. Circus life does weird things to Religion. The basic natures of The Sideshow and Religion are completely opposed. You go into someone’s town, steal their money, wimmen, food and valuables, get as drunk as you can, start some fires, rape someone, maybe even kill ‘em, and then go to church.
It don’t work.
B. The spells. Well with the good comes the bad. One pill makes you bigger, while the other makes you small. Nuff said.
C. They will eventually no longer be an Aerialist. The Men do it until they’re Eighty, but the Women stop when they’re 24. They are hot as shit when they’re swinging around, but as soon as they retire…
400 Pounds and a beard.

Equestrians: Tiger Training Lite
The same as Tiger Trainers without the Death and such. Giant cocks, rippling muscles, neither of which you have.
Let’s move on…

Acrobats: A Pale Substitute for Contortionists
They think they’re Contortionists, but they’re not. More than likely they’re part of an Aerialist Family, so watch out for Kerrist’s sake.

Mess Tent Girls: Missus Mess
Mess Tent Girls start as Runaways so they are fucked. The only way for them to become C-I-R-C-U-S is to get Tattooed from Head to Tail, which is appealing in it’s own way, or marry C-I-R-C-U-S. A majority of the Sideshows Grande Dames started as Mess Tent Girls and there’s no shame in it, it just takes smarts, work, and no venereal diseases, to pull it off. Most Mess Tent Girls have no smarts, are lazy as hell and are riddled with contagion. Now this is how it goes for the good ones. The Mess Tent Girl always starts out as a cute Runaway. Cookie grabs up the cute ones and sends the ugly ones packing, so the goods are there to begin with. She starts working the ranks… Fucking the Stable Boys, then The Canvasmen, then the Electrician, then the Addict Surgeon that’s so washed up that he has to be the Show’s Veterinarian and this is the only Doctor job the state will let him have anymore after the incident in Grand Rapids, more on that later, and finally one of the Marquis Stars. The owner of the10 In One will put his grizzled old pud in her and knock her up and she will threaten to squeal, so he buys her two Pythons and a wagon with full canvas Bannerlines, and sets her up. Then he goes to the Gypsies and gets a tincture of Blue and Black Cohosh and the problem stays in the Latrine. Now either one of two things will happen… she will straighten up and become a valued member of the show, making her act into something new and different and will eventually marry one of the riggers and have a great life and all will be forgotten about her conniving past, or she will get on the junk, pass out and get cut in half by the Train.
It’s the Circus version of Roe VS. Wade…
It’s her fucking choice.

Runaways: Poor Little Trash
Like I said before, there is no room for an ugly Runaway in the Circus. Sorry, it’s just supply and demand. Runaways are a dime a fucking dozen at every stand. Every town everywhere has a dozen girls longing to run away. 10 do it. 6 show up at the Circus to leave with it. 2 are ugly. Out of the remaining 4, 3 will go home. Of the 1 left, 30 percent will stay with the Circus longer than 2 months. Of those that stay, 60 percent will get junked out and die, or get killed in some accident cause they have no business being on the Goddamn lot in the first place, of the remaining 40 percent 75 percent of that will stay for a coupla years and then go straight, meaning back to regular Rube life. The Runaways that are left sometimes become Functional Grand Dames. Grand Dames are untouchable, they’re like the Mafia. They control all the politics in the Show. Nothing gets done without them. Piss one off and you might as well leave and find another Circus to work for, cause you are cooked. Make an enemy of one, and you can wind up dead. It’s that easy.

Rube Girls: Disposal Units
Everything about a Runaway is brash, na├»ve and injured. Everything about a Rube Girl is NO BALLS. She wants to taste the Circus but at a distance. She can’t make a decision and is Wishy Washy, Civilian, Aunty Mae, Apple Pie, Dish Water and isn’t worth the risk of getting’ shot by some Turnip Farmer pissed that yer Clown Cock is goin’ in and out of his lil’ Girl’s Snatch. Done.

Elephant Handlers: Pussyderms
A Circus Elephant is usually an Indian Elephant. African Elephants are hard to train, and Male Africans are too dangerous to have around the public. They will routinely kill handlers when in heat. A male African goes into a fertile period once a year called “Must.” While in Must he is an 8 Ton fucking machine that is literally unstoppable. Jumbo the famous Barnum African Bull, which the term for large comes from, was an African Male caught as a Calf in Ethiopia. He was exhibited in London Zoo and became impossible for his handlers to control as he approached sexual maturity. So in a stroke of brilliance Ole P.T. hisself went across the big water and got “The Old Chap” setting him down in America. This 1882 and America wasn’t as litigious as it is now so an 11 foot tall, ornery pachederm is the perfect thing to put children on.


"Jumbo, Friend Of Children."


Well he was a hit… The word Jumbo became synonymous with Giant and Barnum got even richer, the old rotter. In 1885 Jumbo went into Must and was killed by a train. He derailed a train. A FUCKIN TRAIN.


"Jumbo, Friend Of Children Derails Train With Cock."


Circuses now use Indian Females only because they’re safer. Safer than what? A Gatling Gun? An Elephant broke my Contortionist. You can keep ‘em. While you’re at it keep the… the Elephant handlers too cause we’re just gonna fight over how much Elephants suck.

Hoochie Coochie Dancers: Nature’s Petrie Dish
Superhuman Vessels of Sexually Transmitted Disease That Can Make You Cum In Four Seconds. Sometimes it’s worth the risk.

Clown Pussy: Please Put Some Greasepaint On That Thing
I wouldn’t fuck me, why would I fuck this?
QED

Anyhoo I‘ll tell you about Wife 2, Stinkin’ Pete Woodlin, Doctor Morpheus, Lipstick and Sparkles the Chimp later.

Sink yer stakes deep and hard…
Yers,
Rev. Uncle Laffo